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I fell in love at a young age. I was in my mid-teens when I first lay my eyes on him. I knew that I will make him(D1)mine by the next school year and I did. That was the first part of my wish come true but the other wishes didn't. It basically was love at first sight, not lust because this feeling that I was feeling was something that I thought only existed in books not in real life.But it was real because it came straight from deep inside the core of my heart and soul. Something that I never felt before and never ever again.

We were starting freshmen year when we first started dating. He had a way about him and I knew that he was different from the rest of the guys. He made me feel alive, real, and very good about myself. I was always happy whenever I see him on the staircase and he will stop andsay my name and embarrass the two of us. I didn't mind because I loved him and it felt good letting people know that we were a couple. NE Ways, it only lasted for 2 months. I don't really know why he just upped and walked away. I never bother asking him why during that time.

Than sophomore year rolled in and we started dating again. This time I was floating on cloud ninebecause he came back to me and now that we were alittle older, our relationship will grow to the next level...so I thought. But of course he walked out of the relationship again with no explanation. I still didn't ask him "Why"?

Knowing that he won't be my first because he turned and walked away from our relationship without acutually breaking up with me, just went our seperate ways. A year later, I was dating someone who was 2 days older than me. The chemistry between us was so strong to the point that is was hypnotizing(You get the picture).About 6 months into the relationship and before our birthdays, my dog died and I became an emotional wreck. I was pulling away from himand it was obvious that he (D2) wanted to be there for me. But I let him go because I was not the same person that he loved. I didn't want him to be a part of this or a burden to him. But at least he(D2)holds the title as being my first and almost my last. I held back on love and pleasure for about a year;on and off because I was comparing guys with what I had with D1 and D2. No one guy ever measured up to them. How pathatic is that and unfair. Never gave anybody a chance to really get to know me and break up with me.

Because I never had the closure with my true love(D1), my heart became hard and a wall was built around it. The feeling of love seized to exist in me. Basically had no love to give to anyone because it only belonged to D1 and nobody elsecan even come close. That is why my relationships end quickly because it is wasn't fair to be in a relationship if you can't return the love. So I walk away from the relationship just in time when the guys can't fall in love with me, just long enough to know that we dated for a brief period of time.

As years gone by, I found myself thinking about my high school boyfriend(D1). I even wrote him letters about what he means to me and how much I LOVE HIM. We eventually lost contact for 10 years. But I kept the love that I had for him strong and deep. That is what is stopping me from being fully opened in my relationships. D1 and I finally found eachother about 3 years ago. We talked as if time never passed by. It was almost like old times. Until I realized that the feelings that I had for him is still there. So I finally told him how much I loved him and still do after all these years. He says that he loves me even more and being friends will just due. Also, that he wants to be there for me however way he can. I actually believed him. But that was a lie.

Five months ago, I was an emotional wreck and he was in town. So I called him and he ignored me. Basically he stabbed me in the heart and turned his back on me when I needed him as a friend the most. How can someone who claims that they love and care for you, turn their backs on you when you truly need them? So I left him a voice message saying "Loving you all these yearsis so painful so I am letting you go". And when I did that, a sense of overwhelming feelings was lifted from my heart and soul. Yet I still yearn for his touch.

Now I can have a normal relationship with someone who cares and loves me for me. Someone who will never let me go or turn their backs on me when I need them the most. No more feeling of quilt and/or holding on to a love that strong and deep for someone who doesn't truly returns the same feelings especially aftr all they said and after all these years.

That is why my heart has been so lonely. I will always love D1 and there will always be a place for him in my heart and hopefully in my life.

I know that this is overwhelming to read and it might be difficult to understand especially to the untrained hearts and eyes.

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