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I was with Mike for over 3 years. I gave him everything I had. I waited patiently while he did 2 -(6) month stints working overseas. I took care of his affairs and pets while he was gone and was here for him when he came back. I had suspicions while he was gone the last time because he didn't call as often as the first time he went away. When he came back everything was fantastic. We talked about buying a house. He emptied out his suitcases and there was stuff all over the place for a while. After about a month I got sick of the clutter and starting sorting through it. A letter fell from a book and I made the mistake of reading it. It was from a woman on the cruise ship that he worked on telling him how much she loves him and how sad and surprised she was that he broke up with her. WHAT? How can MY boyfriend break up with HER? I confronted him and he said she was this girl he worked with that he was nice to and she took it the wrong way and thought they were dating. He said she took it bad when he told her she was mistaken. I wanted to believe him but I had my doubts. He said he didn't even kiss her or hug her! Like how could any woman "mistakenly" think they were dating someone for 3 months if he didn't at least hug or kiss her or even something more? So I did the worst thing possible...I hacked into his e-mail looking for evidence of infidelity. Of course I could not live with this secret. I told him what I did because I couldn't be dishonest with him in that way and he couldn't forgive me. He said the trust issue was too much and 3 days ago he said we were done. He says he still loves me but that it isn't enough with all of the trust issues we now have. I can't trust him not to cheat and he can't trust me not to snoop.

The best I could get from him is that we can try starting back at sqare 1 (after 3 years!) and see how that goes but with the way he looks at me and acts towards me now I don't think he means it. I don't see the love or even like in his eyes anymore although he says he still loves me. I think "lets see how it goes" is his way of not wanting to hurt me more by saying "we are definitely through". Which means I'll have all this false hope that maybe everything will be ok and a month from now when he doesn't put any effort into calling me or seeing me I will be heartbroken all over again because he will say "see, we gave it another shot and its not going to work"

He was having a friend over tonight to help him pack and move his stuff out of my place. I needed to be out of the house when that happened. There is no way I could watch him walk out the door with his stuff and not totally lose it. So I went out with a friend and when I got home of course all of his stuff was gone and the place looks so empty. I did lose it then. Sat on the bed and cried looking at all the empty spaces where his stuff once stood.

I love him like nothing else. The pain of having someone in your life for 3 years just being able to walk away from you is too much. The thought of him not wanting to even try to work it out and just bailing like I don't mean anything to him...I can't even describe how hopeless I feel. The thought of him turning his back on me and being with someone else after all we had together makes me physically sick as starting back at square 1 usually means no commitment to me alone. He says we can still say we are "dating" but he wouldn't classify us as boyfriend/girlfriend anymore. 4 days ago he was passoniate and loving and everything was good and now its like he can't stand the sight of me.

I'm hoping that maybe giving him some space will make him realize what he is giving up. Or it could make him realize how fun the single life is again. I don't know. I will try and not contact him for at least a week so he can clear his head. Or should I wait and let him make the first move?

I'm sick of crying. I want nothing more than to just be with him and its made worse by the fact thats its my fault for being snoopy. So many regrets.


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Re: Untitled  April 14th, 2007