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a month ago my life was great, the best it's ever been. i was happy. i had brandon. i miss the way it was. we were great together. we never fought. every moment i had with him, even if it was just laying on the couch with him or driving in the car, i wanted those moments to last forever. i took no moment with him for granted. he always said he was the happiest he's ever been when he's with me. he said i am the most amazing girl he's ever met. he said he was going to marry me one day. but for reasons beyond our control it had to end. we are still in love but it just cannot be. i was willing to work through this with him. but he says he's already hurt me enough. the hurt doesn't stop though. i cry everyday, thinking about the way we were. he was so kind and considerate. told me how beautiful i was and how much he loved me everyday. he always made sure i was happy. it had been years since i felt truely loved like that. i missed feeling that feeling. i like having somone to care for, to take care of. i liked spoiling him, being silly just to hear him laugh, cooking for him, running my fingers through his hair to help him fall asleep, leaving little love notes around the house and in his lunch, anything just to make him smile.

it's funny how in the beginning, before we dated he would not leave me alone. he flirted with me everyday and constantly asked me out and tried to get me to kiss him. i pushed him away and would sometimes get angry when he wouldn't stop. i thought he was just trying to get into my pants. and that's not the kind of guy i'm looking for. one day he asked if i wanted him to stop bugging me and i flat out told him "yes!" he stopped for a little while, but not long. after months i finally gave in just to shut him up basically. we went bowling but mostly sat and talked. we had such a great conversation. i was able to see a side of him that didn't seem so sleazy to me. instead of him hitting on me, we were just talking. he threw in a bunch of compliments toward me though just to flatter me. he told me that he was going to get a kiss from me that day. everywhere we walked, he held my hand. at the gas station, he walked up to me and said "you knew this was coming" and he kissed me. i let him but i was wishing it wasn't happening. i was just out with him to humor him. i didn't want to hurt his feelings though. but then i too was afraid of developing any feelings myself. i was hurt so badly by my last boyfriend, it's scary to let myself give in again without being certain of his intentions. he probably would have stayed with me in my car all night talking and kissing if i din't tell him i had to go. he kept trying to get me to stay. but i left. then everyday after that at work, he was constantly trying to kiss me. he had to have a kiss before he started working, everytime he walked by me, and after work. he would sneak around the corner just to kiss me. i told him we were gonna get in trouble but he didn't care. after work, he couldn't go home unless he could meet me somewhere to talk and make out. usually he got out the same time as me and we'd meet at a parking lot somewhere or a dirt road, where no one from work would see us and find out something was going on between us. we didn't want to get put in separate departments at work because we know we already work in the best department in the warehouse. i still was feeling bad for him, thinking he's way more into me than i am to him. but i did like the attention. i wasn't used to someone trying so hard to get to me. one day they asked him to stay a few minutes later after work. he was all frustrated when they made him stay because he knew i wasn't going to wait. he told me to wait. but i said i had to go to get ready for a b-day party. but he wanted his kiss. i left and went home and got ready in about ten minutes. i walk outside and there he is on my driveway, leaning on the hood of his car, waiting for his kiss. he drove all the way to my house, a half hour detour from the direction of his house, just for a kiss. we started hanging out at my house on the weekends and played video games and ate pizza. he met my friends and they all liked him. we'd go to the movies, pinball pete's, or glo golf, chase fro-do bunnies at the cider mill. i still remember when he came up to me and said, "if i tell you something, will you not get freaked out?" i said okay. he said, "i think i'm falling in love with you." i said nothing, just hugged him. i didn't want to say anything i didn't actually feel. i wasn't sure how i felt. but i still didn't want to break his heart. he acted as though he was crazy about me. he practically worshiped me. he said he could be himself around me. and he was the happiest he's ever been. he bragged about me to his friends and family. i believed his intentions were purely good and that he really wanted to be with me and no one else. i felt bad that i was still confused on how i felt. i was terrified to break his heart because he was so sweet. i don't know what was holding me back. maybe it was because he had a baby with some other girl and i knew there would be drama there. maybe i just was afraid to love again. but i did feel that he really was falling in love with me. and i missed being in love. that night i prayed to be able to fall in love with him. i am not religious but i do pray from time to time when i really want something, something reasonable and not greedy, and it always comes true.

brandon came over to my house, and gave me a digital camera. we went out to eat. i never had a digital camera before. we were taking pictures of everything. we passed it back and forth taking silly pictures of each other. i was looking at all of the cute pictures of him, the cute silly expressions on his face. for some reason he seemed so much cuter than he had ever appeared to me before. we were having great conversation and making each other laugh. i am really shy and awkward for a while usually with a new guy. but he just made me so comfortable, it was like i had already known him for a long time. i wasn't shy at all, and it felt so good and freeing. i smiled, watching him across the table playing with the objects on the table, and all i wanted to do was jump over the table and kiss him. i could feel it then. i was falling in love with him. after we paid and went outside, i couldn't hold it in any longer. i grabbed him and pulled him toward me. pressed together against my car, me were making out, hands all over each other, my leg around his waist. i wanted to have him right then and there in the restaurant parking lot. but there was people walking around. i don't know if i have ever felt that kind of rush of passion before ever in my life. i could fake it. but with him i didn't have to. it was intense. and from then on, it was official, i was head over heels. when i start to fall in love, i fall fast and i fall hard. brandon asked me if i was happy with him. i told him i was very happy and that i loved him. tears came to his eyes because he was so touched to hear the words. i held him and smiled and told him not to cry because he'd make me cry. i wiped his tears away with my thumbs.

i went house and apartment hunting with him. he kept saying that i was going to live with him. i said no, just visit and maybe stay the night sometimes. i took him to his surgery, waited almost two hours in the waiting room. the nurse came out to get me, and said that all he was asking for was me. i guess when he woke up the first thing he said was "nikki?" he wondered where i was. i walked into the recovery room. the nurse was like "wow. look at that smile." brandon was in a hospital bed across the room with a huge smile on his face, holding his arms out for me to hug him. he tried to get me to crawl into the hospital bed with him. but i didn't want to pull his i.v. out or any of the cords off him. he kept trying to feed me his grahm crackers and apple juice. he thanked me over and over again for being there and kept saying how in love with me he was and almost cried again. it was so cute, like he was a lost little boy that had just been found. all i wanted to do was hold him and kiss hm. the next day we moved in together. i was just going to spend the night. but i ended up staying for almost three months. our relationship was great. we were perfect together. i've never gotten along with any other man that well in my life. and i couln't keep my hands and lips off of him. i could see no other guy in the world but him. he was the only one to me. the only one i wanted. he asked me to run away with him to the caribbean to get married. he said we'd get married on the beach and make love in the sand. i told him that i couln't do that because i don't want to get married without my friends and family, but that i would still marry him one day. we talked about our past relationships and he said he didn't understand how anyone could ever hurt me.

now all he can say is that he never meant to hurt me and that he's sorry for dragging me into his messed up life. i cannot ask him choose me over his kid. that is why he has to go. sometimes i look back and wish i had never agreed to go bowling with him that night and that i had just kept pushing him away. but some of my favorite memories of my life that i'll never forget were made with him. i hope and i'm sure that one day it won't hurt so bad. but right now, looking back and remembering just makes me cry. i miss the way we were. i miss waking up in his arms. i've been having nightmares. can't even escape this pain in my sleep.

in the beginning i was the one running away. now he's the one who has to run away. i prayed to fall in love with him because i didn't want to break his heart. never thought he'd end up breaking mine. even work is hard to deal with because there is still old graffiti on the walls and racks that he wrote that say brandon loves nikki and other stuff like that with hearts and stuff. i can't help but notice it and feel sad remembering when he put it there and pointed it out for me to see. i feel so alone. i feel so empty when i have no one to love. it takes over my life. and when i do have someone, i build my life around them. i hate that about me. i give too much. and i'm left feeling empty and taken advantage of. i always have a fear that maybe i'll never meet the right guy and i'll be alone forever. it scares me to death. i know i'm still young. but i have a hard time meeting guys because i'm so shy. at least i have lots of friends that care about me. i am very lucky for that.

brandon was here last night. before he left, he gave me a hug and a kiss and said, "i love you."

(i wrote the above story 2 months ago. now i know i'm better off without him. he turned out to be a compulsive liar. and he has too much baggage for me too have to deal with. he hasn't tried to contact me since. in fact, he just moved into a house with his ex even when he told me he had no feelings for her. so i choose to let go and move on. i can say i wish i had never gotten together with him in the first place. but they say don't ever regret anything that once made you smile. and for the time when i was with him, i was the happiest i had ever been. stress and depression were absent whenever i was in his arms. it was like i was taking a vacation from my normal life. it was like i was living someone else's life. i felt loved. i was content. sure i was crushed when it ended. but it's useless to fall apart over it. all i can to is just keep on living. just learn from it and move on. as long as i focus on the positive side of things, i will be okay. when your heart is freshly broken, it's a very empty, hopeless feeling. nothing seems to cheer you up. it feels like you'll never be happy again. but time truely does heal all pain.)

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Re: the way we were  March 24th, 2007
Re: the way we were  July 16th, 2007