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At age five I met Jordan. He was three years older than me and he was the son of the preacher at our new church.

People talk about that look, you see it in movies and read about it in books... that look that stops you in your tracks and you just know that that person is the one for you. Well... the first time i looked into Jordan's eyes we had that look.

Over the next five years our childish flirtations and friendship grew. I was then ten years old and he was thirteen. (i have a pic of us then... in my pics). He, to much of my surprise and delight, asked me to be his girlfriend. Well, of course, we broke up in about two months. I mean, after all, I was only ten. I broke up with him because i wasnt ready to feel as strongly as i felt.

A year later, our church closed and three years passed without even a word from jordan... you see, he was only thirteen but i had broken his heart and he was angry, still, with me for that.

Well, as i aproached a fourth year without him, missing him like crazy, i decided to try to find him. I googled him... a little crazy i know. But none-the-less, i found him. His name was on a drama club directory for a local high school.

Coinsodentaly, it was nearing his birthday. I have known his family since age two, thus i knew a few things about him including the name of the street he lived on. I had no idea which house was his, but i had a birthday card, love in my heart, and that connection that we had shared since that first glance. I was drawn to a particular house and took the chance... i placed the card in the mailbox (which i later found out was in fact the right mailbox).

well, after that i checked that drama team site again when i had a pop up that was advertising a play that the drama team was performing. i made the decision that i would go. Well, i went, i saw him, we shared another defining glance, and i left him without a spoken word between us.

The following week, a friend of mine called.
"hello" i said
"megan! what is jordan's last name?"
i told her, to which she replied...
"oh my gosh!! he goes to my church!"

now... to understand exactly how amazing this was you have to know that my friend had invited me to church with her countless times and i always said no. jordan had been going there almost a year. my friend never recognized him. i was so close to seeing him for sooo long but i guess it just wasn't destinies timing.

Well... i went to his church the first wednesday i could. after a tearfilled glance between us and a coinsodental talent show which made me a member of the church band (in which jordan was the drummer), i joined his church and jordan was finally a part of my life again.

After about two months of barely talking i stupidly wrote him a note spilling my heart about how much i loved him and missed him and how i wanted him back. he replied that he wasn't ready right now.

so i waited... and waited... and before you know it about four months passed. so i wrote again... this time explaining how he was confusing me, acting one week like he loves me, telling his mom (who told my mom) that he still has feelings for me and he just wanted to take things slow with me, but then acting half of the time like i'm some disguisting stranger that he just met. i told him to tell me what to do... wait on him or let him go and leave him alone.

he replied... "well, i don't want to go out with you" and "i have a girlfriend" (which i found out was a lie) and "you dumped me and that really hurt, but hey... i got over it" closing with "i hope you're not mad and we can be friends".

it was like i got my heart ripped out and stepped on. so... that was about three or four months ago... and i haven't been back to that church in about a month and a half... i just cant bear to see him. all he does is hurt me. i don't know why i love him so much. i just cant let go of that little boy i fell in love with ten years ago. maybe i never will. because that little boy still holds the key to my heart and i cant look at him long enough to ask for it back.

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