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I knew this guy for going on 6 years . Its been a on and off again affair. Many times he lived with another woman and I lived with another man due to lack of stability resourses. Lots of trouble with the law. He is a heroin addict of 30 some years was incarcerated for 14 years. He was hard to be with alone in public "life of party " Was institutionalized and had been a chronic player and I myself fall into that category also. Trust was big issue stability big issue. I think we both loved each other but lately it has just gotten too painfull. I live with my ex for practical reasons not a good situation. Of course I am not available all the time. He of course as I would expect is seeing different people but still wants to see me. But I couldnt handle it anymore too gamey too complicated. My mother just died and my capacity to cope or play complicated games is not good. He has been physically violent choked me raped me. I guess I was intentionally mean to protect myself and make him hate me I guess I did a good job . He is leaving me alone and vice versa but I miss him. I know that he is not good for me and I have to get on with my life but feelings have no "brain" and they dont understand that. I am grieving my Mom now my grandmother is dying and the loss of him. Of course I have a few distractions but since I am not in love with them it doesnt help too much and they want to get closer to me then I am ready for. WE have to leave it alone for now or someones gonna get hurt emotionally and maybe physically

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