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Where to begin, first off I'm male. I don't know if this is a female site or not, however I just need some place to vent.

In 2007 I was happy, I was married. I loved my wife and my then two year old son. I knew she started meeting exes behind my back, but I was naive and said trusted her. But she was distancing herself from me because I worked nights and she worked day hours. In September after finding out she was not paying any of my bills and I was hit with numerous lawsuits and asked where my money was going she simply said "You need to leave, I need time to think." I checked into a hotel and two days later my home phone was disconnected, as was her mobile phone, and the locks on the house changed. She had filed for divorce. I attempted suicide and I lost all rights to see my son. I haven't seen him since September 5, 2007, and never spoke to his mother again.

I resisted any public interaction except for work and my parents until 2009. I was too embarrassed that I failed as a father and husband. At this point I also lost faith in God as I was a Sunday School Teacher and started up the Nursery at the church I attended. The church council asked me to leave and they awarded all credit to my ex-wife. I felt betrayed by the church.

In 2009, I finally decided to meet people again. I met a young wonderful woman in Chicago. I flew up there three times only to see her and each time she was different. During our relationship she accused me of cheating on her (even with my own sister!) and I tried so hard to be supportive of her and hoped she would see the truth that I was so devoutly faithful to her and only desired her. We even talked about marriage and I began looking for jobs up there. But things occurred in her life and she was not the same person I saw the first time up there, and was completely different the third and final time. She was a severe drunk with self image issues. But I saw such a wonderful woman inside her that I could not believe. I knew if I could help her through her tough troubles, she could be better than anyone imagined, and she would bring out the greatness in me. Tragically, in May 2009 she had a friend pass away. She expressed more love for him and she did not deserve the verbal abuse I gave her...on the day they were burying her friend!!! I had not heard from her and all those days of her accusing me of cheating on her (along with other accusations she said to a friend of Myspace) and pushing me away and the thoughts of my ex-wife just pushed me over the edge.

It was the first time I stood up for myself. But I handled it completely wrong. I didn't know how to handle the situation and no one was there to help me, guide me, and I didn't want to have another relationship end on someone else's terms. I wanted to be in control of it, and I did just that. It was the worst decision I have ever made.

I let the hurt of losing her torment me more. I would dream of her kissing other men, being pregnant by someone else, and even shooting me while filming a movie in Chicago (in one dream I recall telling the person working the camera to record a message to the police to not press charges on her and I forgave her as I laid dying). Those dreams were the worst dreams, outside those of my son growing up without me.

Again, I stayed single save for two very brief relationships and would limit interaction with other people, rarely going out.

Now to April 2010...I hear from an old classmate I had a crush on way back in 1989. She was as beautiful as ever. She mentioned her life story to me and I listened intently. I kissed her and it was magical. I thought God had sent me an angel. I was head over heals. I talked about her all day. Then, things began. One night on the phone she mentioned her favorite radio show and I was on their site to send a request to her as a surprise. She caught on that she didn't have my full attention and hung up. Then a friend told me her husband had died in Afghanistan (also a friend) and she immediately thought I was engaged in relations with the wife. Another friend had his Facebook hacked and the 'hacker' sent dating sites to his friends. She no longer trusted me. I tried so many times to do damage control, but every time I put a fire out, a new one flared up.
The relationship suddenly exploded when my practical joke side got me in trouble when I was dressed in oversized clothes because I was suppose to take a trip that was suddenly cancelled. I went to her sons graduation from middle school party and pretended to be a bouncer to only one car, but she heard that was not pleased. I understood and stayed quiet the whole night. Then while checking my phone, the little ball on my Droid phone broke and I could not change a status it was clicked on until I could get home. She thought I planned to attend an event without consulting her, but we had plans to see a concert that night and I knew it.
The final blow came when I posted a picture of her and I kissing. I also stupidly sent it to someone who told me what a loser I was and did not remove her email address. She was contacted by that person. She demanded my laptop computer and had it searched by the police. She found pictures of my ex in Chicago and some chats that guys have with one another in a joking manner, but she took them serious.She left notes on my door calling me "gay, drug addict, gang banger" all of which were/are false. I do have friends in gangs, but it's their business and not mine. As long as they don't do it while I'm around, they are cool with me. Same with the drugs, never took any illegal substances (never even smoked a cigarette), and rarely drink alcohol. I have gay friends, but I'm not and they know I'm not and we respect each other on the topic.
The only reason I had the pictures of my ex in Chicago was that relationship ended so bad that I didn't know if she would make accusations so I kept every thing she sent me just in case. I also did it to remind me of the mistakes NOT to make that I ended up looking at my desire to have someone love me, that I never noticed the trip wires I had set up around me and ran into the mine field. The was this relationship ended was best because I did not even react. She made her accusations and expressed herself and I just listened.
Now here it is a year and a half later, and I no longer go out. I just drive to and from work. I've lost faith in God (the most recent ex helped with that by affirming that "God was protecting" her from me. I have not left me parent's house for any reason except to go to work and fill the vehicle up for gas. I have no Facebook, no Twitter, never check my Myspace. I'm about to cut my mobile phone off because In August 2011 I was in a movie (only as an extra) and a commercial I filmed in July is now a nationwide ad and decided to mention it to a few people over the phone. The first person who wanted to know: A friend of my ex from 2010. It embarrassed me so much that I quit my talent agency that same day.
At 33 years old, I'm jealous of those who have kids, I won't even talk to my own sister and her children I'm that jealous. I envy those in relationships and watching my parents even argue makes me envious. I don't talk to my co-workers and opt to lock myself in a small windowless office with security camera equipment humming all day. I only sometimes eat once a day, but have fast for at least five days. I've lost complete trust in women as it seems that they always seem to find my flaws and think the worst. I've lost trust in myself as I've tried so hard to be the best I make myself fail. I cut off all my friends because I don't want to hurt anyone nor want them to hurt me (especially after I helped two people with a rental car and $83.00 in gas then they just stop talking to me). I always feel used and when I make an attempt to stand up for myself, it goes wrong. Then I'm just walked all over.

From one line in the movie The Town: "Why is it I'm the one that's always getting used."

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