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I had always liked him, from the first time I saw him I saw him I was completely drawn and enthralled, yet never had the courage to talk to him, despite mixing in the same social circles. He was quite unapproachable -silent and introverted, almost oblivious to everything, but this just added to the appeal, he was interesting you didn't come across him everyday.

Finally, after a year of being semi-acquaintances, we both got drunk and kinda just collided on a night out. The rest is long, complicated and rather uneventful. The months that followed were a will he/won't he affair. He was certainly not the relationship type, I was always kidding myself, but I was set and couldn't bring myself to like anyone else.

We made out drunkenly a few more times. Yet after months of small talk, we had finally moved to actual conversation and things were looking promising. Then, while basically carrying me, a drunken mess home, he confessed that he was too fucked up to be in a relationship, that he couldn't committed to anything.

We walked for we two hours that night. I was out of my mind and pouring heart my out to him. I told him about how I liked him from the the first time i saw him, how even though I don't know him that well I feel like I understand him and how it just clicks for me. It all sounded very poetic, but I am sure it frightened the life out of him.

Amazingly he didn't abandon me on the spot. We sat down on a bench in front of a beautiful old abbey, lit up in the night, one of my favorite spots in town. He picked it. I did my best not to cry in his arms as he held me. It was tender and reassuring and I felt as if he actually cared. It was the nicest way to get your heart broken, because I knew he didn't want to hurt me, he told me about how he thought about me a lot and how he was hurting me. We arranged to meet for coffee in a couple of days and talk sober.

Unsurprisingly, that didn't happen. In the cold light of day, we couldn't be friends. Why would he want to spend time with the girl he just rejected, why would I torture myself? I got a long text explaining that we couldn't be friends right now, because it wouldn't be fair on me etc etc.

It hurt so deeply because I felt as if I was lacking as a person, and he didn't want to know me, he just wanted to forget me. I felt condemned to the title of woman scorned. I questioned everything, then had a few meaningless encounters on boozy nights out just to reassure myself that I am a worthy object. *sighs*

In ways I am over it, but nothing has felt the same since and I worry it never will... Sometimes I sing this Bright Eyes song Lua, because it just makes sense of it all.
"What's so simple in the moonlight, now is so complicated"
:')
I am only 17, I'll get over it!

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