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i met the guy way back from school as he was the bf of my classmate/friend. the three of us became sisters/brother in the fraternity we joined in school. we have short meetings, mostly through my classmate as she ended up living with him. they have kids and settled in another place. when work needed an extra hand, i innocently thoght of him coz i wanted to return a good favor he did for me at that time (work-related). we, along with all the others worked together and what started out as friendship unfortunately turned into something else.

when you feel something strong and intense, reason and sanity sometimes escapes you. you just enjoy what the feeling gives you. we, unfortunately have a relationship. as all love stories go, we had a good early times together and we had plans, though sketchy, at least we are settled to live together. however, as time goes by, he suddenly changed, maybe i changed too. reality slowly creeped in to our relationship. as the saying goes, honeymoon days are over. he started making up excuses to go home often, though i understand his need to be with the kids, i dont understand the situation that he is trying to plan for all of us. that should we move in together and start a life, he would continue to be with the family as if nothing is happening. he keeps on telling me that he cant afford to tell her now because he doesnt want to rock the boat and affect the kids. i understand that, but for us to live in the situation for good is something else. to be able to bear the thought of him still sleeping in the same bed with her while we are on, to be performing what a partner should do to her while we are together, etc.

what hurts me most is his lack of recognition of me as his partner. he didnt seem to feel the need to treat me like one which i see him doing to her. dont get me wrong, i felt so bad and guilty that i had to be with him at the expense of my friend. however, i believe it's love that brought us together and we are doing what we can so as not to hurt her. but the guy and i started getting into huge and repetitive fights, saying he is not ready for the kind of life with me, he has his responsibilities, what he has with her is peace and harmony. that he may love me but that is not enough that's why is he too preoccupied planning for his family now.

he told me time and again that he wanted to protect them so that they wont be as hurt when he finally decides to move in with me. however, in the course of him doing that, he is forgetting how to protect me from the hurts and pain he has caused coz of his insensitivity in protecting them. he would tell in front of my face that i am no better than her coz i am not a mother and not as clean as she is, that i am too feisty for any man to want to live with me, that he is too tired and fed up to explain things to me.

our relationship is on and off...right now, we had a fight again. i dont know where it would lead to right now. he is with his family right now, busy planning on their business, on building a new house, etc. i find it unfair that he wants to be updated on what i do everytime but he flares up when i expect that he should do the same. he intentionally or unintentionally withholds information from me and his whereabouts, he still says i love you to her and god knows if he still is intimate with her. it's more than two years since we became partners and to this day he swears never to have slept with her, but i feel in my veins that he is lying because i caught him lying many times. funny that whenever i tell him that it takes me time to trust him again, he would return the blame on me by saying that we wont go any further if i would keep harping on his mistakes and previous lies. but i caught him lying from time to time so how can i honestly trust him.

i wanted so much to let go of him but i dont know why i cant. im questioning myself if i really love him. i am not perfect and i am moody and erratic but i know i have shown him how much i care for him not only in words but mostly in actions, i put him above all my priorities, i hold in abeyance my plans so it would fit in his, i tried to be patient and tried to wait coz of his condition/situation and i give. i have yet to think of the good things he has done for me, efforts he has exerted, tenderness he has shown, going an extra mile for me...he has gotten used to receiving what i have to offer...i am not equating what i have done to his lack of it, but i question, if someone is in love, why hasnt he shown anything to me other than telling those things to me.

we are okay if he is doing good with his family, if he has fights with her, our relationship suffers. i cant call him when he is at home but she can call him anytime even in our intimate moments. he allowed that to happen. and when i told him about it, i was being faulted for being too unreasonable. he takes it badly when he sees that im not comfortable whenever he takes his long and repetitive calls all the time and showed disgust when i wanted to talk to him when he is at home and i request that he finds time to talk to me. i have been stuck in this situation. i know all i wanted is to get out of it i just dont know the firt step to the door.

i know, in two three days we will be okay again and in another two to three days we will have fights again. if you ask me what faults i have? i get mad when i feel that he makes up stories to stay there for a long time, when he doesnt exert effort for us to spend good times together but always have a reason not to, saying work is important etc., when he said that i am too demanding to be expecting some plans for us, that she was with him for more than a decade and i only for 2 years and yet i demand more than her. i was flabbergasted by that remark. i didnt know that in the areas of love, time and not intensity matters. he just doesnt have plans for us, he claims he doesnt plan in life but i see him planning for his family, for her, for his kids. that frustrates me and i confront him about it.

i dont know what will happen next...til next time...

id tell you things as i see it not based on my feelings or point of view but objectively so somehow, someone would tell me if i am being wrong or wronged.

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