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The Story

It was last year, in late June. That was when I first met...him. I had been trawling the internet ater a messy break up with a boy- a douchebag who loved himself more than he could ever love me- and he found me. We got chatting and hit it off really well. We went and saw a movie, and things snowballed from there. It wasn't love at first sight. At first, I really believed I wouldn't like him. He was a bodybuilder- big, and muscly. I HATED gym junkies, thought it was wierd. But then he got talking, and the more he talked, the more I liked about him. He was multilanted, played guitar and piano. He could sing. He was very clever academically- even cleverer than me, I'd admit, and that's not something I'd ever admit to lightly. He was funny and good looking and easygoing and had such an honest way about him that there was no way I could ever resist. I knew from the start he had enlisted to be in the army. I told myself not to get too attached, but I did.

He was special. He looked at me like I was the most precious thing. We savoured every second we spent together, knowing it would be over soon.
Then, it was almost time for him to go. We had our final date, said our goodbyes. I was preparing myself for this future without him. There was no way I could ever admit to myself, let alone him, how intensely I felt.
It was his last night when I got a text message from him. He wanted me to go see him. For the first time, I broke the rules. I stole my parent's car and drove out to see him. We spent the night together. That was when he looked right at me and said it- "I love you."
When it was time for him to get back, we kissed and I watched him walk away. I remember how he looked back at me. It was the saddest look anyone ever gave me. The last thing I said to him was "I'll see you soon."
I knew it would be tough.

After he left, I tried to dive right back into my regular life, involving uni and dance and my friends. I was busy all the time. Ballet, cheerleading, assignments, parties...I never stopped. Nothing helped, though. I felt every tick of the clock. It felt like I was living from phonecall to phonecall. Letters were like gold to me. Then, one day, suddenly- he ended it. He had gotten accepted into the royal military college. It extended his service by another four years. The letter crushed me. It was firm. He wanted to end things. For both our sakes.

I fell apart. My grades dropped by 20%. I barely left the house, barely left the bed, and if I did, it was only to put on his shirt, smell his smell, sit on the floor and stare at the phone. When a package arrived for me, a teddy bear dressed in camo gear, I screamed shrilly and burst into tears. My mum thought I was going crazy. When my dad accidentally washed his shirt (washing out the smell), I threw a temper tantrum so bad, even my dad was afraid. For the next 4 months, he didn't so much as call. I got the occasional text message, but aside from that, nothing.

Then came New Year's. I had dropped by to a friend's party only to leave some drinks in the fridge. I was supposed to be going to a fancy black-and-white party that night. Instead, I found him there. I can't explain to you how it felt.
We went for a walk. And he made a speech. After 5 months of waiting, I got a long, brutal speech explaining why we couldn't be together. The way he used to look at me was gone. I desperately hammered into him, throwing memories at him like they were punches. There was no way I could let hm forget the way we were. But it was too late, and there wasn't anything else I could do. He had made his decision.

That night was my final, painful, humiliating breakdown. I ended up crying in the bathtub, playing a guitar. That night lost me a lot of friends.

Now, it is over a month later. He's gone back and I've tried to move on. I know he'll be deployed halfway through this year. I still write him letters (that I never post) and send text messges. He never replies.
It keeps me up at night. When I go out, I try to find someone who looks like him. When someone says his name, I shudder. Even my dad talks about him still.

I feel like I had love- true, good love...and lost it. It was taken away from me. The army took my boy away from me and turned him cold and hard and unforgiving. I will never forgive fate for that. It was unfair. I miss him every minute of every day. When I think of him marrying another girl...I remember once, when I realised my feelings for him. I looked at him and realised I had something to lose. And knowing that was the most terrifying thing. And when I lost him, it broke my heart.
The memories haunt me. I still see his face every night. I hear his voice. I smell his smell. When I'm driving, I see him next to me shouting out lyrics at the top of his lungs. His absence has left a big hole in my life. A big black hole.
I'd give anything for one more day with him. Or maybe one day that's not clouded with memories. The memories haunt me.
I miss him so much.


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