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My husband ended our marriage with the words "I still love you but I'm not IN love with you any more." By the time the divorce was final, (it took more than 3 years to get it over with) he no longer tries to keep up the pretense of "still loving me". It was such a trite, stupid thing to say; very self-serving -- still trying to think of himself as "the nicest guy in the world" and not the liar and cheat he truly was. He even said that we should tell our friends and family that WE had decided to go our separate ways, as if I had ANY choice in the matter. I told him he could tell people whatever he liked but I intended to tell them the truth and leave it to them to decide what to believe and think about it.

I think the worst part of it all was that nearly all of our friends already knew about him and "Slutmuffin"; they'd been seen all over town together and pretended not to see people they knew. I thought only 3 and 4 year old children believe they're invisible if they cover their eyes. I wish one, or more, of the people who knew, had told me, but I'm not sure if I would have believed them if they had. During all of our marriage I never once thought he was anything but the most honest, reliable man I had ever known. I loved him with all my heart and believed him, absolutely, when he said he loved me too.

It's been more than four years and I still cry every day. My chest feels like I'm carrying around a ten pound rock where my heart should be. Will I ever "get over it and move on"? I doubt it. Will I ever be in another relationship? The thought turns my stomach. Will I ever trust another man? Not as far as I could throw him. Do I think there's any such thing as honesty and integrity connected with any man? Nope. Do I feel like I've wasted half my life being with him? Yep. Do I regret ever having met him? Absolutely. If some "good fairy" could wave her magic wand and wipe all memory of him from my mind, would I let her? In a heartbeat.

So that's the story of my broken heart. If I were given one wish, it would be that what he did to me happens to him, someday. I'm a firm believer in Karma, so maybe that will happen. I sure hope so.





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