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I was married to a mean man. He lied about what kind of person he was. For many years I tried to improve myself to get the nice man that I first met back to me again. I kept telling myself, 'He's a good man deep down inside. I just need to love him more.' But he just got meaner and meaner and blamed it all on me. Then he started seeing someone else. He told me she was better than me at everything. He told me she was his soulmate. I just don't know what's wrong with me! Why can't I find a good man to love me? I'm a good woman. I was very good to him! I deserve to be treated better! Now that I've left him and I can't find a job, he feels he doesn't owe me anything! Our kids are starving and he thinks just cuz one of them is his,he only needs to provide for the one not realizing that if I give to one, as mother to BOTH OF THEM, I give to the other! So if I only have enough money for one child I have to spread it thinly over the month. I deserve better than this after all these years of marriage, disrespect, and shit that he constantly gave me! But still after all these years I can't stand up to him. I'm still scared of him. Do I really deserve this or what? What do I do? I've been trying desperately to get a job and I'm even a veteran! I got out before Iraq broke out so I guess these days you have to serve in Iraq first to come back and get a job. I don't know what to do. I keep getting shut-off notices and I keep having to call them up and giving them my sob story. I really hate this! I don't want handouts! I want a job so I don't have to depend on this SOB anymore! I don't want to deal with him anymore! I don't want to have to beg him for more money every month and give him a damn list of my expenses! And with all this, I have to smile at my daughter and pretend we get along just fine so she can grow up somewhat normal. I have to make myself get along with him so she doesn't hear us arguing. So he won't cut off support. I hate kissing his ass when all I want to do is shove a red-hot poker up there! Sorry this started out as a sob story and ended up as a rant. Thanks for this site.

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