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We met at the bar I bounced at. I was just getting over a bad relationship that was purely out of convenience. Lisa was at the bar celebrating the birthday of a friend with some friends. As the night progressed, the girls started to flirt with me...Lisa caught my eye more than the rest. That night, I drove her and her car to my place. This behavior continued for about 2 weeks...then my ex, who was extremely jealous, made false allegations and I was arrested; 2 weeks later, Lisa left to go back to the state she grew up in. For 11 months I sat in jail awaiting trial, Lisa stayed loyal as a friend because she knew I wasn't guilty, she was my key witness. Finally, trial date, I was released! I went back to the state I grew up in. Lisa and I became best friends during my lock-up and always said that if we were ever both single we'd hook up; even though we were 2000 miles apart. Then, after being apart for 2 yrs. after meeting, the opportunity presented itself. I hopped on the first flight and she picked me up at the airport. We were just going to have some casual sex but during our first car ride, the first day of me being in her state, the question popped up, " so, are we just friends or are we going to give this a shot? ". The answer by both was, " let's give it a shot. " I spent 5 weeks with her in her home state. It was great! But, we both had secrets, we were both hiding closet drug addictions. Then the last 2 weeks of my stay, we journeyed into a realm that would later destroy what beautiful relationship we had always dreamed of. We did drugs together until I left for home.....I promised her that as soon as I had the money, I would fly her out to my home state; 4 weeks later, her birthday present from me was a ticket to come see me. When she arrived, we tried to continue where we left off...only problem was that we had already started arguing a lot due to the insecurities that come from being addicts. After about 2 1/2 months in my home state, I got a job offer in one of the southern states, close to the state we met in. Together we journeyed there. We got off the drugs and vowed to never use again. After 3 months of being clean and working, I got injured. It put me out of work and we decided to take the money we had and since we were so close and it was our dream to live and settle down in the state we met in, we headed south. Man it was great in the beginning. We were inseparable, broke, but inseparable. Then, after about 3 weeks, I get a call about a settlement check for my injury! We were ecstatic. But, our roommate was a drug addict. Befor we knew it, we were right back into the same shit. We were high and arguing all the time. Our arguments got so bad taht they started getting physical. We broke up dozens of times and even called the cops on each other. We were a mess. Then, one day, we were forced to leave our little home. We drove for hours with just a couple bucks in our pockets. Finally, we found a place that had a room for rent and the woman was willing to work with us. We were of and away from the drugs, Lisa was working, and I was looking for a job. For the first time in months we were happy again; we were falling back in love with each other. Then, I got a job. That gave us the opportunity to move into someplace bigger. It was a nice change but still too small. Although we had 2 cars, one was always broke down and we just couldn't seem to make enough money to keep them both running at the same time. I lost my job but Lisa got another. We were spending so much time together that we actually stared to annoy each other. We were arguing 2-3 days out of the week and we never had the money to go anywhere; we were in love but starting to resent each other. We broke up a few times too but always got back together. After a few months, we moved into a house. Finally, something we could call our own. But that didn't change the way things were. Lisa ended up losing her job and I couldn't find work. Things got tight and we started to get on each others nerves. We broke up a few times and always got back together. Then one day, we met a couple and started going to Church; GOD, it was awesome! We would sing together, harmonizing as one voice. I started to fall in love with her in a way I didn't think was possible. She became more beautiful to me as each day passed. The only problem was that I had a lot of deep anger issues that came from when I was younger that I never dealt with. 2-3 times a week I would lash out at her for no apparent reason. I still don't understand; I mean, I love her so munch yet treat her so badly. Finally, one day, we had a fight over something as stupid as where to park while going to the library. I said some pretty awful things that belittled her. We came home and the argument continued. Finally, she went to the store and decided while she was gone that this time, she would stay gone. She ended up staying at a hotel for a few days with one of her girlfriends. We tried to talk but every time we did, I got pissed at what she was saying when she said she wasn't coming home and that she needed to go back to her home state to be with her family. Against everything I believed in, the day before she left, she agreed to come home, go to Church with me and then I would drive her to the airport the next day. We made love like we never made love the night before she left, GOD, it was so passionate. The next day, we agreed to try to stay engaged while she was finding herself back home. " I promise Michael, the thought of being with someone else makes me sick to my stomach, I love you ", were the words that will always be in my heart. She left on a Monday, the 4th of July was on Saturday, I was to be baptized on Sunday, my birthday was the day after. She told me she was going to go camping with her dad and some friends for the holiday but that she would call as soon as she got back. She told me she would be in the mountains and wouldn't get reception; I believed her. Then, on the 4th, I sent her a photo of fireworks through my cell. She sent me a picture of our engagement ring still on her hand. The next day I sent her a text about my baptism...she replied!!! Confusion instantly set in but I didn't let her know right away that I knew she had lied about camping. The next day she called me sexy when she sent a text for my birthday but she wasn't accepting any calls; I knew she had met someone else. This was how she always behaved when she had something to hide, the guilt was always displayed through distance. I found out a few days later that she never went camping and that she was staying at another guys house and that she had been in his bed on the 4th, the same day she sent me the picture of her hand and the engagement ring on it. She said that she was moving in with him in a few days and that she didn't want to hurt me on my birthday. I said," why not, cheating is cheating, no matter what day its on. " She told me she loved him and that they were already talking about getting married and kids and all that shit. I kept asking what kind of person does that and she kept saying there's nothing wrong with what she did, except for the cheating and lying; however, the fact that she now loves another and is living with him 2 weeks after being in our bed, well, according to her there's nothing wrong with that. It has been a month now and we somehow remained friends, basically, I don't want to lose her as my best friend, she is the only one who has never judged me for my past and I the same for her. Today, she told me that we can't be friends because her new guy feels that because she and I still talk, that she still loves me more than him...DUH BRO, I had 3 years with her and you've only been with her for 3 weeks. Despite me trying to inform her that his actions are just a way of him controlling her actions and manipulating her, she has chosen that relationship over our friendship. She says she's happy for me that I'm trying to date again but I can hear the jealously in her voice. I know she still cares and will always wonder; the same as I will always wonder, what if we had changed just a little sooner, could it have worked? I still live in the house we lived in and my lease still has 4 months to go. Its so hard to go from one room to the next because of all the memories. I have come to realize that the song is right, " you don't know what you got till it's gone ". I wake up every day to try my best to work my 2 jobs and function in society. I go out with people who call me their friend but I know the truth, its because they are just as lonely as I am, I just have an inner strength that allows me to carry their pain as well as my own. I truly believe that I will never find a woman who will be as good a friend as Lisa. Right now, I don't see how there is a woman who could ever take her place. But you know, the Bible says that, " with man nothing is possible, but with GOD, all things are possible. " ( Mark 10: 27 ). I can't tell you how my life is going to turn out...I can't tell you that it's going to be o.k....but I can tell you this, if you stay strong and forgive the ones who hurt you, you will make it through the tough times. I was the one who drove her away. I had to forgive myself for what I did before I could ask her to forgive me. Then, I had to forgive her for what she did. There are things in this world that we may never understand, but just like our teachers taught us in school, if you get stuck on one question, go onto the next one and when you have finished with the rest, come back to the one you couldn't figure out. In other words, don't fail at life because of one problem, keep going. You may get one or two things wrong but you can still get by if you don't stop trying. I hope this helps somebody...I let the woman of my dreams slip through my hands because I couldn't get past a few problems. Apparently I was holding onto the wrong things.

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