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Well, where do I start??? I have 8 years of life to spew about with this guy. We were 15 when we 1st met in High School. I guess you can say it was a typical 1st love, highschool sweetheart love. Over the years we grew and matured into young adults. I am now 21 years old and broken.

This guy and me had been steadly dating for 6 years when we had a falling out sometimme ago...around the time my mother was kicking out of the house and forcing me to find another place to live...I moved in woth his family when I was only 19 then to an apt in West Covina, CA! Shortly after the move we had began fighting and the differences between us were begining to surface...he is the "life of the party" kinda guy...loves lots of people...attention...a fast life! I like quite, quant little get togethers, I "party" maybe once every 2 months, and Id rather send the majority of my time with close friends and family (him). The 1st inital break up was nothing...but at the time it was EVERYTHING! I lost my job and bills were piling up...I got involved in a pyramid scheme which FUCKED me and my CREDIT over! I was soooo dumb and naive at 19! a couple months pass and I meet a guy that I have "loving" feelings for but not "LOVE"...I date him for maybe 2 months. During this time it had been 8 months or more sincce Id even heard from my ex...he pops out of nowhere looking to have me back in his life...ofcourse I ditch this great NEW guy who gave me the world for LOVE! (this guys ok, we are still friends)

After this I move back to my home town where me and my 1st love get our 1st apt together...BIG MISTAKE...we moved too fast and wanted to be a "HAPPY MARRIED COUPLE" too young! Living together always shows the true colors of two people and the habits inwhich you have to choose to live with or without...we were BOTH very very very immature...I was now 20 and he was still 19 (hes 4 months younger). We try to make it work day after day in our apt but little fights and misunderstanding become more.

He spent 90% of his time with friends (espicially this 1 bestfriend who happened to be a girl) and 10% with me. The women he supposedly wanted to marry and have a life with. I on the other hand didnt keep up my end of the bargan with stupid little chores and things that we had agreed to do for each other. I am a very strong minded women who wont let a guy touch or treat me with disrespect...which is fine! But sometime I must admit...I TAKE IT TOO FAR! Im the kinda person to keep a fight going until Im satisfied that I "won" or got what I wanted!!!!

we broke up a 2nd time about 7 months after moving into the new apt...after the breakup I found out from friends that he said he had "a connection" with the best friend that I was referring to earlier...which only assured what was in my own head. I was enraged that we "so called" said this! I crossed the line and hurt him with monwy and possesion...I keyed his car and kept the money inwhich he had given me to pay for his half the bills! I KNOW IT WAS WRONG, IMMATURE, and STUPID! but I was jealous and heartbroken...it seemed that he had dumped me for another girl that I had warned him about over and over again! He moved out the apt and left me to cover the rent for the next 5 months...it was hard! thats why I kept the money I owed to him!

Along with his money I kept his friends! It was actually more of them choosing me over him. When he broke up with me he told all his friends that they must choose who to be friends with...OFCOURSE when you give people an ultimadium like that they are more appt to choose me! So they did...his Best Friend became my best friend and he was left all alone!

a MERE 3 months later!

I write him a letter to tell him my feeling and to say goodbye forever! I tell him to not respond and this letter is only for my well being...

he respondes!!!

he had missed "us" just as much as my heart had missed hiM!

we agreed we have ALOT to work at but we will do it together! So we give it another try.

Around this time the lease is up in my appt and the roomate found another living situtaiton to live in! I stuck to find a room or apt!!! He offers to have me live with his family AGAIN!

I know!!!! BAD IDEA!

Thats what I told him...I said no for 1 month...the move out date was approaaching and I had to find a place! So I do the biggest mistake of all! I MOVE IN!

It was great in the begining! We spent everyday together...slept together...woke u ptogether! happy and love all around! His family was my family( I didnt have family because I was a foster child and had no one)...ofcourse we had arguments still but we agreed to work the out! which we did...

it started to get a little too easy, too GOOD! We hadnt fought for 2 weeks! Thaats a record for us! We hadent not fought that long in 2 years! It only took 1 night to ruin it all.

The reason Im so broke up this time is because I allowed myself to get close again and to become vulnerable! I belived that this is "my man" my love my mate!...I wouldnt have minded to take care of him, marry him, and have kids. I ever over heard him having a Father Son conversation with his father about what he needs to do to have a succesful marrige and that he plans to marry me!!!! I was over joyed...many friends told me the same! "he loves you soo much" " he wants to marry you", thats what they would tell me!

Anywayz, we had been good now for awhile...I He had just turned 21 and I had taken him to Las Vegas this past may!!! It was fun! Drunk and FuN! haha

We travel to grand canyon, palms springs, beach trips! We actually ENJOYED spending tim e together...getting to know eachother as adults rather that 15 year olds. The day befor the break up we had planned a whole day!

I paricipate in alot of volunteer work and He siad he would come with me! This is amazing becasue before he would never do something for nothing! (but he explained that If it made me happy then he would come along) so we went out the LA to volunteer all day! he was GREAT! then we decided to go to the beach, since we were already along the coast!!! (we live in the Inland Empire, so going to the beach would be fun)

we get there will loving smiles and hig and kisses! We have ahppy hour at a local little tavern with yummy food and yummy drinks! we walk the rocked jetty only the water and gaze into the sunset! It was the most perfect day ever. He even picked a flower for me to take home and took pic and videos! :)

Later that night we return home to find out that there is a party in our town! We agree to go together! We get there and take a few "jager bomb" and play a round of "beer pong"! after that I spend alot of time with my best gf while he playes poker outside with the guys...2hours pass and my friends leaves the party...im osber at this time becasue Id stop drinking at around 1am and it is now 4!

He is in the back yard playing poker and taking shots of Jose Cuervo!!!! (bad bad Drink) I go to see and hug him because Im still in the "I love you sooo much and we had an amazing day" mood. Hes not! He had just made a dumb move to almost lose the pokeer game which the bet was now up to $200! The whole time Im wondering why he snaps at everyhting I say! I tell him "its late hunnie"...he says "we'll leave when the game is over" in a harsh tone. I shut up and sit theer...then then whisper... "are you mad at me?" he turn to me and shouts "Im not mad at you Im playing a game and we will live when I say we leave" at this point i feel "embarassed" and "talked down to"...I walk away while his friends are staring at me like "she got told"! I ask for a ride from anyone but that are all DRUNK!
I call a cab, my boyfriends tells the cab to leave and that I dont need it and we can leave now that he LOST the game!

The whole way im asking for an apology for how he spoke to me but hes the type to not admit it or not want to say "im sorry"! We get home to his parents house and we sit in the drive way! Its 4:30am and I want to sleep! OUr fight is going nowhere and I say to him :we wil talk i the morning" he wants to talk NOW!

I try to leave his car..he grabs me and holds my wrist! I get free and walk to the house! I walk the bathroom and he comes in after me...I tell him I have to go to the bathroom and all he does it bust in!

when I open the door he grabs me by the neck and arms and flings me out the bathroom to the hall! he then pushes me the whole way to the front door while I fly down the hallway! we wrestle and the whole tim eI wonder why are you doing this" is her really touching this way?"

His parents awake to us in the yard and me crying! hes shouting and yelling very loud and I cant take it! I want to leave!

His parents take me into the house with him and want us to sit and talk! FUCK NO i wasnt in the mood to talK! I want to leave and take a breatH! they block the door...his mom asked me if I want tea! I dont want shit! I wanna get away from him!

I run thorough to the garage when I run the my car and proceed to drive away! As Im pulling off I hear the back door open and I speed up and them It closes!!! then I got away!

LITTLE did I know that he had gotten his hand stuck while holding on to the door and I had dragged him to the end of the short block!

He lay in the street in pain!

He broke up with me because he said he couldnt beleive that I "Left him there" that I "didnt care about his life"!!!! I DIDNT KNOW HE WAS HANGING ON! I would have stopped and ran to him but I didnt! I feel as if it is all my fault because he has a way of explaining things to make it seem like it was me...I pray and curse myself for hurting hiM!

WHen I imagine how it must have felt and look to have been dragged! and how much I love hiM! it hurts more than the breakup! This man is the one man onthe earth Id never want to hurt!

But now Im lost! He said he loves me still but that It over once and for alL! that we should find another! I apologzie over and over and nothing! he wells up with tears while he is breaking up with me but It is no use...the scraps and leasions on his body remind him of what happend and he cant forgive me!

Wasnt he the one who hurt me 1st? Did he not out his hand on me! I have bruises on my body too! I feel at fault for eveything though!

should I let go or hold on!????




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