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um ok i dont know where to start
this was when i was 14. im 18 now.(the guy was 16)
i met this guy, we will call him rhys and we entered a relationship that got pretty serious or at least what i thought was serious.
he was my first love and we would see each other every day and talk on the phone for hours. every minute i wasnt with him felt like a minute wasted and he seemed to feel the same way.
when we were together he used to tell me all the time how he loved me and wanted to marry me and we would talk about kids and stuff. now looking back i think i was slightly naive about it all seeing as he was my first love but it still burns deep.
anyway i thought that we were gonna last forever coz we talked like it was going to and i truly believed it and never wanted it to end.
but one day he just stopped calling me and no matter how much i called and texted him he would not reply or call back. then i got really sick and couldnt do anything so one night while i was out at the doctors my cousin called him and told him i missed him and was too sick to call so he should call me.
he said he missed me too and the next night i had a missed call from him and i tried calling him back but once again nothing.
this went on for about a month until my mum got sick of me being in this limbo of not hearing from him so she took me to the spot he always used to hang out on on a friday so i could confront him face to face. it took me ten whole minutes to even walk through the front door and when i did i ran straight back out again. my cousin dragged me back in and made rhys face me.
he began to cry and told me this story about going criminally insane and being on trail for attempted murder (he was mixed up in some very dark shit before he met me) and that his parents wanted to send him to an asylum in another state but he said he was sorry and he still loved me and he wanted us to be together.
i left that night feeling really positive and like i had solved it and i wasnt going to lose him... how wrong i was.
the next monday he sent me a string of text messages saying that he couldnt handle being in a relationship and that we would definitely be together and all he needed was a break so we would stay in close contact.
all i heard from him in the next few months was a text message a few days later than nothing despite the fact that i tried to talk to him all the time.
then one night my friend called me and she had seen him going to a club in the area of our regular hangout and i was happy i would finally get to talk to him because he agreed to see us after. but when i saw him he was totally cold and distant and didnt really seem interested in the fact i was there.
i found out a few days later that he was starting something up with another girl. i was so angry and crushed because of the promises he had made me and that i had been hanging for so long waiting for him.
my best friend called him and asked him what the hell was going on and he told her exactly what she had heard. when she asked him about the promises he had made me and he said he really meant them at the time but things change. he said to tell me he was sorry and that he still wanted to be friends.
in the almost four years since that we have spoken once and it was only because it was kinda forced. i dont love him any less than i did and not a day goes by where i dont think about him. i still cry over him sometimes and i dont think that i want anything other in the world than just to be with him.
my best friend tracked down his myspace the other day and she added him. when he accepted her add he left her a few messages but now he has also accepted mine and despite my attempt to be the bigger person and leave hi a message saying hi i still get nothing. in between all this i just broke up with my fiance today so i am feeling like hell. it hasnt been easy for me lately and although i have loved other people i havent loved anyone as much as i loved him and i am still not over him. i am still holding onto a lot of hope.

just to add a footnote to this story looking back on it after a few months i mainly felt that i was still really in love with my ex coz i had lost my fiance. even though i still did have feelings for him they had pretty much gone away and it was just that a few nostalgic emotions came up with finding his myspace and stuff. i think i will always have love for him in my heart because you never really forget your first love but i know now that even before the time i posted this story i was over him it just has taken me this long to see it. my problem was that i seriously lacked some closure and thats why i thought about him all the time. i really was as crushed as i was but i truly have a better perspective now. its just sometimes when you go through heartbreak all over again the previous ones come back up and bite you for whatever reason that may be. i think what my true problem was was that i spent all this time not sure that i was over him even though i really was and loving him had been such a big part of me and i didnt want to let that go coz i thought if i did a part of me would go with it. also as a sidenote i have found that i can love someone more than him and that i was probably more in love with his memory than i was with him.

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Story Comments

Re: my first love... i still cant let go  January 29th, 2008