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Maybe i am wrong. She might have just played me. I haven't dated in five years. I took a love sabbatical. I struggled with myself before i gave in to date her. I hadmy struggle first. She has hers now. I wish she had thought this through more. I wish she could have foreseen what would happen and not drag me into it. I wish i was the woman she wanted. I wish i had played it more cool. I put everything out there and it scared ths shit out of her. She is intimidated by me but i was just as intimidated by her. She has led a life that has nothing in common with mine. I have all these feelings of inadequacy and so does she. How can you be so miserable to break up and still want to do it. She must be lying to me. She has to be pretending to be upset. I got the feeling she is a people pleaser. I am pissed off because she doesn't have the balls to tell me the truth. She can't stand to have people upset with her so she won't tell me the truth. THe games girls play. I am out of my league here. And i am left holding the bag. I want so badly to be angry with her. I am frustrated, hurt and alone. I never wanted something so much in my life, and i am confronted with it daily, in my face. How the hell will i go on? I go to her house and talk to her and she shuts down. I can't reach her. she says she doesn't deserve the way i feel about her. I can't love her until she loves herself. And she won't give me what i need to move on with my life. Why won't she just tell me she doesn't feel that way about me and be done with it? I went to her house this morning and had a twenty minute argument with myself in the car, I didn't go in iam proud of myself. The thought of her just yards away gets me so excited and happy, and nauseated. She is so close yet so far away. I am suffering. I love her!!!! And i am whiny and melodramatic, I disgust myself.

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