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The Story

To start off with plz excuse my spelling errors etc im scrambling to write this from the to of my mind and from the bottom of my heart.
I have spent the better half of a week browsing the internet, reading books to search for some way to put closure to the pain that i feel inside me. Hopefully by writing this i can take another step foward in the healing process.

My past love
To understand the deeper feeling of the pain i have now is to understand my 1st love my childhood sweetheart, we grew together in a hateful society without frens or family, shared joy and pain everyday for 4yrs till one day she disapeared. I spent months looking for her and as a result i lost touch with all social aspects such as school, friends and life itself ..she was my life and she had gone.
I tracked her down she had skipped town and headed back to her native country to live with her distant relatives. once i fould out i was determined to see her, to ask how why and to see her face one more time.
I spent the next yr saving up to see her worked over 12hrs a day working multible jobs i had save enough money to go see her.
By the time i got there and with the details her foster parents left me it was too late i arrived at her grandparents house on a cloudy friday afternoon only to find out she had died from a vicious form of brest cancer a week before i arrived and they had buried her a few day later . I hated myself for not seeing she was sick i hated the world for taking her away , why couldnt she tell me? why did she feel she had to run? after that i joined the army , left it a few months later and travelled around alot trying to mend for 7yrs until..
My recent heartbreak
The next part of my story you will prob question if i was in love with girl at all, how can i be? I meet this girl over the internet. She had been having a rough time with her recent B/F and his cheating ways , i happened to be there i felt her pain and i spent the time to console her of her greif somewhere along the way i felt a deep connection to her, something i felt with my 1st love and from there she broke up with her b/f and we started talking mre deeply with each other in intimate ways , the joy of feeling that warmth is something i will never forget, the long hrs day after day of chatting over the net the closeness of her words set me alight again and thats when i opened myself up fully to her and told her i loved her.
I was expecting a mixed response from when i told her this considering we never meet and at the time never even knew what each other had looked like, but we didt have voice communication and instant msg and i felt from there something could start and truely she couldve been a 1 leg 1 eyed 2 heaed monster and i wouldnt have given a care in the world, i was fully head and heels in love with the essence of her and suprisingly she felt the same way towards me
For alil over 2 yrs we talked exchanged pics shared day to day stories and lived a fantasy in each others world (Btw when i saw her pic she was very beautiful which was a bonus)but alas she drew apart from me the distance was to much she lived half way around the world and myself at the time to insecure , poor and affraid to go see her.She cheated on me with her ex b/f telling me she needed physical warmth, i got angry but i forgave her what could i do i was so ingrained with her love i didnt want her to leave from the time onwards i said srry to everything.
The breakup
For the last 6-7 months she started to forget about me, asking her why the neglect she told me she needed time for herself, for school and the that relationship hurt to much. So i gave her the time she needed all the while i prepared my life to go see her i had started to sell my house and had gotten enuff money to go see her and possibly start a new life, who knows what wouldve happened i needed to take that chance and i knew i had waited too long.
Wasnt ment to be
The day i choose to tell her that i was comming to see her was in the end the day that flattened my life, her ex b/f the guy i had despised for hurting her feelings so had came outta the blue and strted talking to me offloading all his hurt telling me that he had started seeing her again and now he found out she was cheating on him, courious and saddened from the recent infomation i had heard i asked him for how long they had been seeing each other again , he replied 'the last 6 months' i was speechless her breakup with me was to be with my arch emeny.
my next question was who was this new guy and how did u find out? he then tld me after staying the night with her he browsed her phone while she showered onli to find txt messages from another admirier saying things like "i think about you all the time' and 'i miss you ' . He confronted her about this and she spilled the beans the other person she meet was another like me she had meet over the internet and had swayed her feelings somehow, to me this in my heart was expected and very confusing, having her ex know all about me,and that she left me for him for another like me! Well her ex was broken as so was i , I knew this newcommer from an online game we played with each other and to me was very random. nether the less i was determined to tell her that i was comming to see her so i pushed my angrer and sadness aside for the time being.
The hate
I asked her to get on vent ( a voice program ) which she declined and thats where it all went down hill , she told me she felt uncomftable talking to me bec she knew i couldnt talk like a freind , i erupted like a volcano then and word vomit over instant msg started spweing out , i offloaded all the info i had just found out about her clearly she was shocked and alittle suprised i would assume she was gonna keep this secret from me and just forget about me , that was fine but i wanted her to hurt so much bottled emotions , i lashed out at her said she decieved me and then she told me the greatest shock of my life ... that my way of thinking about love was too simple and that she started douting our love long before i realised it had all but dissolved . I knew what love felt like and my love for her was the same feeling i had with my 1st love which in a way made the pain to tough to bare . she finnished our argument off with "now that i know what the true you is like , i know you never loved me' crushing is the span of minute i let my guard down showed a side of me that i was trying to hide and now all there was was hate.

Thats where the storie ends 2yr 7 months 4 days later , its the last 4 days i have suffered the most the cold / hot in my chest wont let me sleep, think or eat too many things remind me of her , she had also shaken my unshakeable belief in love.how could she not tell me?
was it that she didnt want to hurt me? she had been so honest to me up till now she had told me she had loved me 10000 time before but i guess the word loses meaning after awhile. Its gonna be a long time till i get back on my feet but already im on the healing process. today my story on papaer (well internet) tmrrow im gonna go for a run and the day after that who knows ...

for those who hurt
wirte it down, talk about it, search the internet for infomation there is alot out there on how to mend a broken heart , alot of it is common sense alot of it is crap but everything can help do what you have to but dont lie down.

Last note
once again srry for all the errors its prob all unreadable and to confusing to make out but in the end i wrote it mre for myself so maybe one day ill come bak and fix all my errors her..moreso i hope i can come back and just remember and smile about all the good times :(

If your out there Abbie and you happen to read this , Im sorry that the last time we will ever talk had to be so rough but i wish you nothing but joy and happyness from whats left of my heart, even though im simple I love you and one day i will see you in person when have healed again , my love i will move on


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