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The Story

I met this guy, and I'll not use his name here due to privacy rights, when I was 15 years old. There isn't any way to describe it but cataclysmic. When it was good, the world stopped spinning, when it was bad, judgement day looked meek. He was a bit older than me, around 17, and ended up being my first real boyfriend. I, being 15, really didn't know how to handle a relationship, and we ended when I turned 17 and moved about a thousand miles away. We kept in touch a bit, and I have managed to visit him every year or so. Some years he greets me with open arms and kisses, other years, he resents me.

He is now 25, I'm 23. We have seperate lives, and somewhere down the line he has become apathetic in the extreme. This became apparant when I visited him this week. I love him, and he can't manage to allow himself to love anyone. All the things we talked about on the phone before my visit went out the window. He greeted me with a kiss, and a little more when we got to his house, then the next day was more interested in being with his friends, then spending the few days of my visit with me. I told him I have the opportunity to move closer to him, and he said that it wouldn't be for him that I should do that, but for me, which I know, but I have a fine life where I am, and he couldn't tell me weather we might be able, if I was closer, to have something. But I couldn't stay in his house, with these other friends, other girls that like him, and weep because he doesn't think that he can love anyone anymore, even though he told me that he would like to have me around. I don't understand how a person can say they can't love anyone, make out with them the next day, then not care when they leave early, not even bother to call for two days, and I can't call him, feeling like a loser for leaving, and crying because he doesn't act like he likes me. So here I sit, phone and computer both on, waiting for him to get in touch with me, knowing he won't, and feeling more depressed as the minutes roll on. I thought silly love stories ended in high school, and why am I acting like a child? Why does all of this make me feel like one?

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