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I can't stop crying these days and I dont have anyone to talk to. I know I am supposed to be strong.... a strong black woman, sinlge mom, typical statistic.

I know I have done some wrong in my life... no one is perfect. But I never set out the hurt anyone. Still it feels like the past year of my life was an elaborate game and eveyone was playing it... knew the rules... everyone but me.

I met this guy... I thought he was so sweet and open. His personality made me open up too. I had my guard up a bit because I have been hurt and mislead before. I never seeem to learn my lesson.

He was a country-boy. From Florida. I the US Navy. I thought he was a single dad just trying to do his thing and missing his family in Florida terribly. So we hooked up... After about 4 months he told me he loved me. Instantly I knew I loved him too.

I we used to meet each other half way between the Bay Area and San Diego. Spend really beautiful weekends together and we talked a the time. It seemed as though he couldnt go days without talking to me. I thought I finally found someone I was truly compatible with. Someone quiet, driven, and yes a little lonely.

I flew to Florida last summer and met his entire family. Mom, dad, sisters, brothers... They were cool enough but I had a feeling something was up. See his baby momma called me shortly before I flew out there. She said she is his wife. I didnt believe her, though I should have. And when I went to Florida and again to San Diego, his family nor friends told me any different. I should have believed her. But it was too late.... I was blinded by love and the person he created for me to see.

Months went by and we contiuned to see each other. He told me he wanted a life with me. Then the wife contacted me again. This time with there wedding picture. What could I say? What could I do? They are happily married and everything I experienced over the past year was a cruel joke... a dirty lie.

He has apologizes many times. Continuously claiming that he really did love me. My heart wants that to be true so bad but my mind knows that it is not.

And somehow I feel as though this is all my fault. I am 32yo, with a 13yo dauhgter and an 11yo daughters. My daughters father is serving a life sentence in prison. Everything about me if a stereotype. Black, struggling, no father for my children, no real friends. And every guy I meet only wants me for sex. Things like this kill you inside even when you display a tough exterior.

I wish I could stop wanting love. I know I come from an unlucky lineage when it comes to love. The most influential women in my life growing up were single and are still sinlge. I always knew deep inside that I would be a single mom. I was a lonely child. And now I am a lonely adult. I have a really hard time forming lasting personal relationships. Guess I never really learned how.

Things like this can break you... its definitely broken me. I'm so grateful for my kids because they really are the only people in this world I live for. If it werent for them, I probably would have checked out long ago. I am just so tried of the struggle.

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