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The Story

Hi. This is my first post...and I kinda hope it is my last although with the way life goes, this seems unlikely.

Anyhow - Nate found me on MySpace and asked me what my story was at a time when I was...hurting a fair bit. The "abridged version" that I intended to post ended up being a longer vent that originally anticipated, which Nate asked me to share.

So...here goes! Bear in mind that this is the way I felt a month ago...

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I'm not broken hearted but I'm certainly feeling bruised. The short story is that late last year I met a guy who seemed to be everything I could ask for, who I connected with like I had never connected with another guy before. We got together almost instantly, and again, it had never been so easy, so fast, so natural for me.

We went out for a bit and it started off - almost magically well. I'd never been so darn blissfully happy in a relationship before.
Things went pear-shaped not too long into it - he just seemed to stop trying, and my attempts to get him to talk to me didn't get me very far. So I decided it wasn't acceptable for me to let someone treat me badly and not even turn up when I'd ask them to meet me so we could try to sort it out face to face. So I broke it off.

Of course that didn't change that I was still nuts about him and missed him like anything and thought about him incessantly and knew that he still cared for me and we had to see each other virtually every week...

And so we almost but not quite got back together a few times - every time we'd enter a dialogue that might just put us on track, he'd seem to disappear again and we'd be back where we started.

The last time I saw him was not so long ago. It wasn't a date, there was no real prospect for a romantic reunion, and yet I missed him and I wanted to see him, and I guess he felt the same...so we met up.

It started with a kiss hello (instigated by him), the middle included moments of awkwardness, moments of comfortable conversation, moments when he'd speak of a future (e.g. planning on hoping on a plane to visit me the following week when I was going to be working interstate), moments of physical affection and intimacy - he spontaneously suggested a ferry ride and it was beautiful and romantic and it was so lovely to be in his arms again.

The night ended with him stating that sure we'd had a fun night but our relationship had no future, he was probably going to be leaving the country soon indefinitely and it was best that we stopped seeing each other socially.

Which was absolutely the right call. I'd deliberately made a bad decision in seeing him because I missed him, but it was certainly an encounter that would not end well.

A couple days after that, I think he started seeing someone else. A girl that he emphatically denied any interest in to me just a couple of weeks ago. (He brought it up, not I.)
And it sucks.

Yes he is single and free to see who he likes. Yes he deserves to be happy as much as anyone else, as does she. And she's a gorgeous girl, outside, and as far as I can tell, in - I don't fault his taste at all.

I hate that less than 3 days after the last time we spent any vaguely meaningful time together, he could enter into a relationship with another person.
I hate that I was willing to compromise, to take the risk that was almost certainly guaranteed to blow up in my face in taking him back, and I didn't mean enough to him to do the same.
I hate that less than a week after he told me that the only reason he couldn't give us another try was that he was going to be leaving, and that otherwise it would have worked, that it 'didn't change the way that he felt'...but now he is with someone else.
I hate that a week after he pulled me into his arms and kissed me for the first time in MONTHS, because he couldn't resist the way that I looked at him, he would have been with someone else.
I hate that he denied his interest in her - I could see it coming, so could a lot of people - he didn't have to deny it.
I hate that I have to see them together, and be friendly to her, and work out how to behave to him, as if it were all ok.
I hate that he didn't become the wreck that I did. That it's so easy for him. A beautiful, intelligent, lovely girl fell into his lap - whereas I don't form romantic attachments easily, I don't flit from person to person, I don't trust easily and it's going to be a while before I meet someone else.

I hate that he will probably make the same mistake again.
I hate that I can't understand it all. I can't just dismiss him as an arse because I believe in the person that he can be. I can't just slag him off as someone who was messin' with me because I don't believe that that is him at all. I can't conclude that he just didn't care for me because he did, I saw it, and think he probably still does - just...not enough to be good to me.

I hate that he couldn't just be honest and open with me. Tell me how he felt, what he wanted, what he didn't want, and why. Even if that meant hearing that he didn't want me.

I hate that the first guy in my life that I felt like I could really, really care for, wasn't worthy. Wasn't able to treat me as I am worth.

I resent that I became such...a fool over a boy. With whom I wasn't even together with very long - it's all a bit of a much ado about nothing. At the same time I'm glad that it'll make me more appreciative of the reason why people let their emotions lead them to bad relationship decisions. And I'm glad to learn that my head does not rule my heart.

I didn't fall for him. I didn't know him for long enough. My heart isn't broken - but it sure ain't in a happy space.

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So endeth my original rant to Nate. It's been a month - they've been together for a bit over a month and when I see them together, they look happy. The first time I saw them together, my heart rate accelerated, my temperature shot through the roof and it took me a good 20 minutes to calm down.
Now? More used to it. I try not to look at them together. I avoid contact with him at all costs. I'm focused on trying not to think about ifs and what could have been. I am lonely, and I miss affection, attention...I want to rediscover, re-remember the power and fun of being single!


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