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We had met not to long before my 19th birthday. I thought he was so handsome, some how I didnt know what to think of him. He stood out it the crowd. A couple days later I had gotten off of work, my friend said he had a suprise, and low and behold it was him. I was shocked. He had said he doesnt believe in long relationships. Well a month went by, and my friend brought me in the hallway and had talked to me about him. I thought he was joking but he replyed if I was joking I wouldnt have talked to you out here. Well one night this guy and I had talked and basically well were in love with each other, so were bf and gf. Another month later he proposed, kinda saw it comming because when he would drink his suprises that he had weren't really suprises anymore. So then we were engaged. so now about 5 months into knowing each other he went more than 1000 miles away for an internship. It crushed me. He called 2-4 times in 2-3 months. Well in that time I hung out with the wrong friends and ended up going to jail. About the 3rd or 4th month he called. And I was like wtf, why didnt' you call or anything. He had explained his parents were there they kept him busy and etc. We kept in thouch and what not. the 6th month he came back. Everything was great. We were going to have a traditional american wedding even tho he wasnt. But because hes not a US citizen he wanted to get the paper work started so we go married on feb 9, we moved in together. Well the begining of this year I was confused and didnt know what to do because he was always working opposite of me. So I lost site of who I loved. I had told him i didnt love him anymore and i was moving to my parents to think. In 2 months I cryed so much cuz I didnt know what to do or if my mind was playing a tricks on me. Then a month or so after i moved. I just started crying and crying. I had told him i made a mistake and i'm sorry. I have found the love that was hiding. He said he moved on. That hurt me so much and its all my fault.Now when I say i cryed and cryed, i cryed so much that my eyes were really puffy the next day when i woke up (After crying myself to sleep and then sleep from exhaustion it was like 12+ hours later) Him and i are still friends and always will be. Now lately, him and i have been hanging out. 3 weeks ago he told me not to give up and not to loose the hope only time can tell. Him and I stopped fighting and started to realize how to talk to each other better. Then on mothers day he told me " I shouldn't have gave you the hope." he made up is mind, and it was a weight so heavy that it crushed me. I keep telling him that I dont want to give up hope, but eventually i am going to have to. Because of what i did to him he lost weight. Because of me, he moved on and basically took and riped out my heart when he moved on. he always told me what he felt and he wanted me to the same, so i did, i told him that i keep falling in love with you more and more everyday. Him and I went back and forth with arguing, and he replyed with I want to distroy this love. that killed me even more. I told him to be patient with me its going to take time for me to move on like he has. But i dont want to, i know a part of him wants to be with me even tho he says theres no chance. I know there is. When I'm at work, I dont have time to cry, so the only time is when i'm alone. So when i'm in my room, by myself, i cry soooo much. I've also be so exhaused from trying, sleeping, being away, eating, crying, getting headaches because of crying, being alone, having really no friends. It sucks. I used to cut my self until he came along. I did it once when we were going out and he was mad at me. Since then i didnt do it. Now i feel i want to so bad. It took the pain in my heart away. I wont do it, but i want to. I just dont know what to do to calm my pain in my heart down, i just dont. I'm confused, exhaused, lonely, unmotivated (yet at the same time i am) and most important (no self cofidence). Hes my world, some how i have to move on and find other options when right now I dont have any. I'm just lost in my suffocating world.

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Story Comments

Re: to busy to cry  July 20th, 2007